apr 6 2026

i still am accepting who i am

and i feel good.

apr 4 2026

im trying my hardest to be happy and content with how things are.

but it is very hard, is it normal to have a conversation with yourself

and try to reassure yourself that what you are is okay?

but then , is it normal to be ashamed of who you are?

im so worried for the future, and i feel everyone is

i dont want to be worried, because im doing all i can

but if i dont worry, i dont feel like im normal,

i feel like im useless, if that makes sense...

so i just talk to myself and tell myself, "its okay to enjoy yourself"

and i want to believe that...

but no matter what i feel immense guilt doing anything that isnt work or studying

and to be honest i enjoy studying.. im quite good at it

or atleast its very easy. might help that i been studying the same material but okay.

on thursday on my hour long commute to work i talked to myself and it happened again.

i felt okay with how things were, i did not feel ashamed of myself.

but then come this very night.... friday.. its all gone.

i have no hope, and i have no pride

oh onto that... the hope part, i dont think theres a future.

or atleast, a stable one? one that i am certain of.

i always think that to make life bearable.. you have to have a dream.

an ambition, a goal,

i always thought that because i always daydream on my freetime

daydreaming about the future, what im gonna do what im gonna be.

but everyday, the most basic of dreams i have are not attainable

theyre no longer ambitions but fantasies.

and it keeps me up at night.